5 Things I want from my life

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5 Things I want from my life

Life…. Crazy as it is, I have never really sat down and asked myself the question “what do I want from my life?” It’s a question I’ve thought about but never taken the time to truly answer. Tuning into myself for the answer I was surprised at what came pouring in. My list contains nothing materialistic, because to me that does not matter, items can always be replaced. What cannot be replaced is my feelings and my memories, they are the things that matter most to me. Today I share my list with you, five things I want from my life. I encourage you to think about your own life, and what truly matters to you, and ask yourself ……. What do I want from my life? 

 

Here are 5 things I want from my life –

1.       Happiness! I want to feel happiness in each day! This human life is full of constant up’s and down’s and for me I feel it’s unrealistic to feel happy in every second of the day, but to feel happiness in a moment (or more) each day would fill my heart.

 

2.       Love! I want to feel love with every cell in my body! Sometimes I feel life is passing me by so quickly, I find I get lost in the “daily routine” of life. Love, I want to embed it into my soul. I want to share love with the world, with my family and with my friends. I want to be surrounded by love, I want to feel it inside and out, I want to be love. There can never be too much love in this world.  

 

3.       Vivid memories! I want to remember all the joyful moments throughout my life. The moments that have rocked me to my core, shaken my soul and made my heart sing. Just the other day I witnessed a moment between my son’s that made my heart explode. I wanted to sit in that feeling all day, but the reality of my life only allowed me to capture and enjoy that moment for a minute, if that. I want to enjoy the never ending timeline of my most joyful moments, a reel of pure bliss to always enjoy, to be able to sit in that state of bliss for as long as I want and truly enjoy all my memories.

 

4.       Bliss! I want to feel blissful! Our human experience is a fast paced, constantly changing journey and can sometimes feel challenging to enjoy each moment. I want to be able to slow down, enjoy and surrender to this thing we call life. I want to bring bliss into each moment, of every single day. I want to feel blissful in all my actions, in my everyday living.   

 

5.       Self-Acceptance! I want to feel complete! When I think about my past life I can see the times I’ve seeked acceptance from those around me. I’ve always felt different and felt as though I didn’t fit in. I’ve wanted to be accepted for me, as I am. Now I realise, how can I expect others to accept me, when I struggle to truly accept myself? Each day I learn more about myself, I learn things I love and I learn things I dislike. I am human and changing each day, always for the better. I want to be able to get to a place where I can say I truly love me, for me, and all that I am, right now, in this moment. I want to get to the place where I don’t care about what others think of me, for it is what I think of myself that truly matters.

 

There you have it, I’ve found what I want from my life, do you know what you want from yours? You might just be surprised by your answer!

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What I now see through my traumatic birth experience

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What I now see through my traumatic birth experience

My four pregnancies and births have been so very different. As my oldest sons birthday is today I feel compelled to share my four pregnancy and birth journeys with you, with the intention of reflection and what come from each experience.

 

My first pregnancy I was constantly in a bubble of pure love and bliss. I fell pregnant one month after my husband and I were married without any effort. I can see we were very blessed and we were grateful we had no challenges conceiving. My pregnancy went along smoothly. I loved everything about it, from my constant body changes to feeling my son dance within. The connection and bond I felt with my growing baby was something I’d never felt before. I couldn’t believe how much I loved this little person, whom I’d never met. My motherly instinct was so powerful and it surprised me how much of a protector I became over my body and growing baby.

 

My pregnancy flew by uneventful until I reached 29 weeks and went for a routine check-up. It was then I asked the doctor if the hard lump I felt under my ribs was baby’s head or bum. The doctor soon discovered my baby was in the breech position and I was in fact feeling my baby’s head pressing on my ribs. The word caesarean was mentioned and booked “just in case” my baby didn’t turn. Before this I hadn’t even given caesarean any thought. I felt ready to birth vaginally and hadn’t pictured my birth being anything else. It was at this moment, the moment caesarean entered my head I began to fall apart. I felt so out of control, hard when I am a control freak when it comes to my own body and voice. It was at that moment I let myself become a victim and a by stander in my own birth experience.

 

Being a first time mum I didn’t realise I could use my voice. I didn’t realise I had options. I didn’t realise I could ask questions. I followed what I was told, even though I didn’t like what I was told would happen. I went home the day I discovered my first baby was breech feeling devastated, torn, scared and out of control. I didn’t realise there were things I could have done to try encourage my baby naturally to turn, how would I when nothing was mentioned and I didn’t use my voice to question anything. I didn’t realise I could have explored the option to birth my breech baby vaginally if I chose to.

 

By feeling as though I had no say or choice in my own birth experience I felt very disempowered. I spent the remainder of my pregnancy scared and not looking forward to my due date, which seemed to be approaching fast. My baby stayed breech and without question I reluctantly agreed to a caesarean at the set date. My baby would be delivered at 39 weeks gestation. I write delivered because that is how I felt at the time. Now when I speak of my son’s birth I do say I birthed him, I admit it took me some years to be able to express his birth in that way though. My experience made me aware how important language is and to give women the space to express their pregnancy and birth in their own words, for it is HER experience, not mine.

 

The day of my caesarean was (and still is) the most scared I have ever felt in my life. I felt physically ill with worry and had no idea what to expect. I had never had a broken bone, heck, I hadn’t even had a tooth filling in my 25 years of life and now I was going in to have major surgery, getting my body literally cut open to get my baby out. Looking back now I feel the word scared isn’t strong enough for what I remember feeling…… TERRIFIED feels better. I was terrified! I had so much fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of dying, fear of my baby dying, fear of something going wrong and me becoming paralysed, fear of being put under general and missing out on seeing my son straight away. So much fear.

 

The surgery went as good as it could have, other than having to have 4 (or 6, I can’t remember now) needles in my back before they worked. My baby was born healthy and physically I was ok. On the inside however was a completely different story. Emotionally I was a wreck. My hormones were all over the place and I remember feeling as though I were in a dream, all this was not real…..surely. I felt so out of my body. My strong connection and bond to my baby that I had only just felt minutes before he was placed in my arms was now gone. I felt I had been handed a stranger, not the little soul I had learnt to love and connect with over the past 39 weeks.

 

I remember staring into his eyes and feeling nothing. It scared me but I was too afraid to speak up, for fear I would be seen as an unfit mother and my baby would be taken away. I didn’t expect to feel nothing while holding my gorgeous newborn. I remember my friend coming to see me in hospital. She was heavily pregnant, ready to birth her own baby soon and I just burst into tears. I wanted so badly to be pregnant again. Here I was holding my baby in my arms, yet mourning my pregnancy. I wanted to go back to my bubble of love and bliss. What I was feeling was anything but love and bliss, or any feeling I assumed I’d have after birth.

 

From there things didn’t get easier. The first night I spent in hospital alone with my baby was a night I will never forget. I was so scared of my baby dying I pushed myself to stay awake watching him all night. I still had a catheter in and couldn’t move from the bed, which made it difficult to get my baby from his crib when he needed me. I relied heavily on the staff which I disliked. Sometime during the night I fell asleep and then woke with a fright and noticed myself lying in a huge puddle of blood. I was so frightened, I thought I was dying. I was so naïve about having a caesarean I never even knew I would still have bleeding after the birth. I assumed they sucked everything up while getting my baby out. Looking back my heart is so broken for myself. After that night I went the rest of my four nights in hospital without any sleep at all. I found myself hallucinating at night and hearing my baby constantly cry, even though I was watching him peacefully sleep.

 

I found breastfeeding extremely challenging, although I pushed through bleeding and cracked nipples, painful engorgement, blocked ducts and mastitis in an effort to prove myself worthy. In my head, I HAD TO breastfeed because I couldn’t give birth vaginally. I started becoming paranoid thinking the nurses were outside my door speaking about me and how I wasn’t coping. I feared they would take my baby away, I stayed quiet about what was truly going on in my head. Looking back I am sure I developed postnatal depression instantly after my baby was delivered. It wasn’t until I was eight weeks postnatal I was officially diagnosed with postnatal depression, and let me tell you, I actually felt relieved. Relieved that all I was feeling and thinking was in fact not normal and having a diagnosis meant I could start to fix myself.

 

The first three months of my son’s life are a blur of tears, darkness, guilt and shame. I remember feeling like such a terrible mother, and yet I was scared to share my real thoughts or true feelings with anyone, in fear they would take my baby away. I became so controlling and protective over my son. I found it impossible to leave him out of my sight, even though I yearned for a moment to myself. I remember tyring to breastfeed my son one day and he was crying and wouldn’t latch. I started crying and instantly took it personally. I thought my baby hated me. It didn’t help when I handed my baby over to my husband to recompose myself, I seen my son instantly stop crying. Looking back, it’s no wonder my son would always cry when I held him. I was such a ball of dark emotions with heavy self-doubt and huge anxiety, my poor son would have been feeling it all. Thank goodness for my husband’s reassuring and strong calming nature!

 

Breastfeeding took us ten long, exhausting weeks before we mastered the skill and could successfully breastfeed without feeling pain and crying. Once we mastered breastfeeding things started to improve and become more enjoyable. My relationship with my son started to grow and flourish and our bond became strong. My guilt slowly eased, as I realised I did everything the best I could, with the knowledge I had at that time. Over the years I have learnt to forgive myself, and love myself, this was not an easy task. Still, 6 years later I have emotions creep up on me around my son’s birth that I think I’ve dealt with, they always take me by surprise. My birth was traumatising. It took me some years before I would use that word to describe my birth. I felt ashamed and silly that my birth had such an impact on my life. Now I know, unfortunately how common it is for women to have a traumatising birth and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

From Bear’s birth experience, I gained and learnt:

·       Strength

·       Determination

·       A deeper insight and understanding of myself and my beliefs

·       Acceptance, understand and forgiveness towards myself and others

·       To use my voice, to trust my intuition, to question authority if I feel the need to

·       That I can say NO, that there is always options and that I need to own my choices

·       That birth can be traumatic (but it doesn’t have to be)

Getting through this process of reflection and coming to a place of peace in being able to see the positives in my birth experience wasn’t easy. It took a lot of hard work, years of counselling and years of self-forgiveness and reflection. I am grateful that today I can see all the positives that came from my experience. Sure I would do things differently now if given the chance, but I can see I would not be where I am today, had I not made the choices I did at that time. For me it has taken great strength to overcome the trauma of my son’s birth. To be able to look at it now from a place of love is the hardest learning I’ve gone through. I am thirty one years old and it’s taken me this long to understand and choose to see the positive aspects of any situation rather than getting stuck in the darker side of my emotions. I now consciously (and yes, it is still challenging to do and takes time and reflection) choose to see the love in each life experience I am given.  

 

Thank you for reading my story, I hope by sharing my stories they encourage you to reflect on your own birth story through a different lens.

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40 days of Self Love and the unexpected feelings that arose......

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40 days of Self Love and the unexpected feelings that arose......

Good Morning Gorgeous ones

These past 40 days I have been participating in a challenge. The challenge given was to consciously give our body self-love and appreciation while in the shower, washing each part of our body. Sounds easy right……. Hmmmmm maybe not so much!

 

In celebration of day 40 I wanted to share my journey of self-love and the unexpected emotions that arose. Day 1 of the challenge I felt so excited and pumped! I cleared a space in my shower for my products ready to show my body some real love. I admit during my pregnancies I totally love and appreciate my body. I shower myself in love and care during those 40 or so weeks and then baby arrives and suddenly I forget that I matter, putting myself last or not at all.

 

In just four days my “baby” will be one year old and currently I am feeling GLORIOUS within myself and my body. This 40 day challenge was not without challenges (they aren't called a challenge for nothing!)….. after not even one week of starting I realised the challenge was harder than I anticipated. Shower time for me is usually a crazy time, to save time during the witching hours I shower with my three children. They play around my feet, while I try my best not to stand on anyone or fall over. It’s not really the most relaxing surroundings to get myself into a loving mood, and so I decided it was “to hard” to continue the challenge and I quit.

Then something amazing happened! Guilt kicked in. I felt I let myself down, setting out to complete this task but not able to finish it. That made me realise my childhood belief that quitting=failure. In actual fact I now see that quitting=freedom. I realised I put way too much pressure on myself. No one had expectations of my journey during this self-love challenge except myself. I took a huge step back and reflected on my feelings and beliefs. I came to realise how often things appear in my life that are not in alignment with me at that particular time, yet I continue to push myself to the finish line, in fear of not completing the task and therefor becoming a failure. This was a big Ah Ha moment for me, and an unexpected one. I never expected this challenge to reveal some of my core belief patterns and for me to acknowledge them and let them go. It felt so freeing squashing my old beliefs, to return to a place of love. Had I not stopped the challenge I wouldn’t have been able to grow within myself, I wouldn't have been able to release my fears and see the love, another positive from a so called “quitting=failure” belief.

 

I am not a failure if I quit. It takes great courage to admit something is not working and to change the way you do things to better suit you. I altered the self-love challenge to suit my lifestyle and I felt so proud of myself. I felt more in alignment and truly able to show myself the love I so much deserved and am worthy of. Each day I took the time to make myself a priority of my own love. Sure, I had days I felt silly, fake even as I tried to embrace my love in the areas of my body I don’t particularly love. A huge vulnerability for me is my caesarean scar. Physically I am ok with it, emotionally however is where things run deep. The story and feelings that hide behind my scar is where I needed to show myself the most love and I spent a lot of time forgiving myself and letting go of the judgement I held towards myself.

 

I find it so fascinating knowing that hiding behind my unresolved emotional issues, my physical body suffers. Each year my caesarean scar starts to ache, it feels painful and feels like a constant reminder of that one day that left me feeling traumatised. You know what I realised the pain is…. It is my unresolved emotional fear bubbling to the surface to remind me that I still need to work on myself. I now realise it’s an act of love to always make myself a priority and to show myself love each and every single day.

 

The 40 day self-love challenge grew for me in the fact that I was not only showering my physical body in love, but also my emotional body. I am an emotional being and I realise at times this makes other people uncomfortable. I became aware that I apologise for my emotions, as if I were doing something wrong. Again, this was an old belief instilled in my core. The belief that showing my emotions = weak. BAM, I’m proud to say I no longer belief that to be true! I now show myself love by taking ownership of all my emotions and I don’t apologise for any of them.

 

One last thing I’d like to share that’s come to me from this challenge is this: new undies! I listened to my friend Katie and took her suggestions on board to buy new underwear. Who would have thought a new pair of undies could make all the difference to my self-confidence! I am embarrassed to say that until two weeks ago I was still wearing my stretched out, old maternity knickers. In these past 40 days we moved town and into a new house, and so I finally decluttered and cleared out my old clothes that no longer served me. I bought new lace, perfect fitting knickers and I’ve been rocking them since! Now in the mornings after I slip on my new knickers I feel fantastic and sexy!

 

I made that change for myself, no one else. Underwear is an item that no one else see’s but by showing myself the love to wear something that makes me feel great, my confidence has grown and is bursting out of me like a bright shining light! I cannot believe it took me nearly a whole year to start showing myself some true love again. These past 40 days have taught me so much about myself, inside and out! I can see when I am loving myself inside and out I willingly accept love from others. I’ve realised that if I don’t love myself, how can I expect others to love me. This challenge has enabled me to see the importance of self-love. I have three little children watching and soaking in all that I do. By applying self-love I feel I am setting a standard and guiding the way in which my children will follow, knowing they are worthy and deserving of their own love. 

 

I love my body, mind and soul for all that I am and today I am feeling absolutely GLORIOUS!

 

How about you? My fellow challengers, I’d love to hear your journey of the self-love challenge. Did you find it challenging? Were you able to finish the 40 days? Did anything unexpected come up for you during your challenge? Are you able to truly love every part of yourself unconditionally and without judgement?

A huge part of self-love is self acceptance, it doesn't matter if you started the challenge or not, it doesn't matter if you started and didn't finish... what matters is that you are ok with the choices you make. Self-love and acceptance is loving all that you are. You are worthy, you are gorgeous and you deserve to feel joy and happiness in whatever ways that looks like to you. Have an amazing day today loving all that you are beautiful one xo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Planned Homebirth of Indi Sue

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The Planned Homebirth of Indi Sue

I feel in order to tell my birth story I need to start at the point in my pregnancy that changed everything. My visions of my birth were shattered, my confidence rocked and my trust broken. I was 23 weeks pregnant when I attended a routine appointment (for VBAC women) with a fly in fly out Gynaecologist. I found my previous VBAC experience to be quite frustrating and disempowering when going through the system. The extra antenatal appointments to “be approved” and the continuous reminder/scare tactic of uterine rupture really took a toll on me. I assumed it would be easier going for a second VBAC, oh how wrong was I!

 

First impressions mean a lot to me! I know instantly if I will feel a connection to you or not, sometimes even before you’ve had a chance to speak. Let’s just say my first impressions of this Gynaecologist were not great. His first words to me were “How far along are you?” to which I replied 23 weeks. He looked me up and down and replied “wow, big already”! My respect dropped a little here as I cringed not to say anything back to him. After that he read through my notes and seen I had made choices on how I wanted my birth to go that did not follow the hospitals policy. He questioned me, asking if I cared about a safe outcome. He said “A little bit of discomfort for the mother means nothing on the safety of the outcome”. Yes, I totally agree…… to a degree. In my personal situation, I didn’t agree putting myself through unnecessary discomfort just because it was hospital policy.

 

I wanted to be treated as a birthing mother, not a risk waiting to happen! I was then bullied into agreeing to the policies or I would not be approved to birth in my home town. I said I wouldn’t agree and then the rest of the appointment I didn’t get another word in because he spoke over the top of me and then my pregnancy hormones got the better of me and I fell to pieces, crying. He showed no empathy or compassion, he didn’t even offer me a tissue. In that room was a student sitting directly opposite me and a nurse. NO ONE offered me a tissue! No one offered me any emotional support, until the nurse chased up a midwife to be with me. It was so terrible! I felt like absolute shit. The Gynaecologist told me to go home and talk with my husband, he said he could see I wasn’t going to change my mind and he wasn’t either. By this stage I was hysterical, I mean full ugly crying, snot pouring out hysterical! I could not believe the way I was treated, the way I was spoken to and the way I was disrespected! I did not expect my appointment to go that way! I regretted not taking anyone with me for emotional support.

 

The way I left feeling after that appointment is something I will never forget! I left feeling like I didn’t get a choice at all in how I wanted my birth to go. I left feeling disappointed, frustrated, bullied, disempowered, disgusted, disrespected and confused. I left feeling so disheartened and emotional, I sat in my car in the parking lot and cried for over an hour! Talk about giving a pregnant woman high blood pressure! I was a complete mess. I was shocked at how I was treated, honestly I couldn’t believe it. I consider myself a strong, confident, knowledgeable woman, but in that moment I was broken! The confidence I had in myself was ripped away and I was left feeling very vulnerable.  I did not feel like I had any choices at all in my own birth. I had just experienced bullying at its finest, and not only that, a student and nurse did too and they did nothing about it!

 

I am very grateful that I hired a Doula again for this birth. I hired Katie as my doula for my first VBAC and since then we had become great friends and she guided me on my own journey to becoming a Doula. I hold so much love and respect for this woman and honestly would not do birth without her! I sat in my car crying and rang Katie to tell her what had just happened. She reminded me of my strength and helped me pick myself back up again. She saved me from allowing myself to spiral out of control and lose my power.

 

That was the day that changed everything! That is the day all my birth plans changed. That day changed me as a woman and it changed the way I work as a Doula. That is the day I decided I would NOT be birthing in a hospital. I no longer felt safe or respected and I knew if I had to walk through them doors to birth my baby my experience would be filled with fear and I would have a negative outcome. I was not willing to accept that! I was not willing to put myself through “a little bit of discomfort” to follow a standard policy. How I am left feeling after my labour and birth matters! I have lived through a traumatic birth experience and I know “a little bit of discomfort” is really not that little at all! Of course safety is always the number one priority but the way we are left feeling matters too! It took two years of counselling for me to overcome a lot of stuff from my first birth. I suffered Postnatal Depression and I still to this day, nearly six years later have triggers that come up around that birth experience.

 

I came home from that appointment and wrote out a page of affirmations and manifestations. A homebirth is not something I ever thought I would be interested in having myself but that day changed my outlook on everything. I started preparing for a homebirth. My first obstacle was getting my husband to see where I was coming from and agree that a homebirth was the best option for us. I admit I am a very determined, strong willed woman and once I make my mind up I do not let anything get in my way. I discussed my concerns about having a hospital birth and told my husband I would be birthing at home. My second obstacle was finding the right birth team that respected and supported my choices. At 27 weeks pregnant things fell into place, my husband agreed and I hired our local private midwives to assist me with a homebirth.

 

My pregnancy with Indi was my most challenging. I was very sick until 9 weeks when suddenly I felt great. Having experienced a miscarriage in 2012 this worried me a lot. I felt as if overnight all my pregnancy symptoms disappeared, which is exactly what happened when I had a miscarriage. I felt sick with worry and booked in to see a Doctor. I saw a female Doctor who I had never met before and oh my goodness! I felt no reassurance at all. She referred to having a miscarriage as a blessing, because who would want “an octopus” for a baby. I was speechless! Then she went on to explain miscarriage as a “lost mobile phone”, she said “Imagine your husband buys you a brand new phone, it’s covered in diamonds and you love it. Then you drop it, it smashes and goes down a drain. It is lost and you can’t get it back. You need to forget about it and get another one”. How any of her words were supposed to reassure me and make me feel better was beyond me! I was that shocked I didn’t even speak. When I got home the more I thought about the Doctors words the angrier I got about it. A baby is a baby, no matter how early and a loss is a loss. I had already lost one baby and even if there was something wrong with my angel baby it was still my baby! I don’t care if it was “an octopus”, it was my baby and not getting the chance to hold or see my baby will forever hurt me. That hole in my heart will never be replaced. I will never be able to “forget about it and get another one” and to even think that is possible just blows my mind! Seriously, I had a baby that died, nothing and no-one can replace that baby, ever!

 

Reading back through my pregnancy journal I am overcome with emotions at what I was dealing with. The fears that my baby had died inside me kept me awake for hours at night. I felt happy that I wasn’t feeling constant morning sickness, but I felt sick with worry about not feeling sick. Having had a miscarriage, I found it to be a huge mind game on subsequent pregnancies. I was surprised that all my fears of losing another baby came back to me, considering I’d had my rainbow baby after my miscarriage. I thought my fear would be gone but as soon as I stopped feeling morning sickness my fear reared its ugly head once again. I could not calm down, I was overcome with fear. I thought my intuition was telling me my baby had died and I couldn’t get past it. I went back to the Doctors again, requesting a different doctor and an ultrasound for my own piece of mind. I went in expecting the worse but was pleasantly reassured with a jumping, waving baby, who was very much alive. I felt so relieved! In that moment, I accepted my baby was fine and alive. I decided I would no longer be a victim to my own fear, I realised it was my fear speaking, not my intuition.

 

I had wasted the first twenty weeks of my rainbow baby’s pregnancy and life because I put up a barrier between us thinking it would protect me if I were to lose him. What I came to realise, when I finally allowed that barrier to break is that I would have been just as hurt, whether I had built a connection or not. I promised myself I would not allow fear to get in the way of connection. I promised myself I would enjoy my pregnancy, every day, every moment, every second, because nothing is guaranteed, and I did not want to have any wasted moments or regrets. 

 

One of the perks of a homebirth is the midwife came to our house for all my antenatal appointments. I love anything birth related and had been watching the TV series Call the Midwife. My five year old had watched a couple of episodes with me and when I told him my midwife was coming for an appointment to check on the baby he was so excited. When our midwife arrived, my son asked me where her bike was, because that’s how the midwives got around on the show. Ha ha, it gave me a good laugh! Homebirth to me was going to be very relaxing, what I didn’t expect is the stress I felt leading up to my guess date. Trying to keep our house clean with two adventurous little boys was impossible, yet my nesting and the need for the entire house to be spotless was out of control, other than that I felt so calm and excited to be able to birth our baby in our home.

 

My body started preparing for the arrival of our baby around 37 weeks. Every night after I put my sons to bed I would start having tightening’s although it wasn’t until I was 40 weeks and 4 days that my baby decided she was ready to greet us. I woke on July 31st 2016 at 6am with tightening’s. It was the first time during the day I had them and I decided this would be the day we were meeting our baby. My two sons had slept at my mum’s house because I actually thought I would birth during the night. I laid in bed feeling my belly and kept calm. At 7am I got out of bed and went downstairs to set up my birth space and have some toast. I realised my tightening’s were coming every 4-5 mins constantly. At 7.30am I text my midwife, Doula and photographer to let them know I thought today would be the day and to be on standby. My midwife said she would come over to check on me and help set up the birth pool. At 8am my Doula, Katie called me to say she had left Clermont and was on her way. I told her I was worried if she arrived and then my labour might stop, I didn’t want to inconvenience her. Thank goodness she followed her own intuition and kept driving, had she not left when she did she would of missed Indi’s birth. By this time, I had set up my birth space, I went to wake my husband up to tell him our midwife would be over soon. He asked me why and I said “Because I am in labour” ha ha! He said “oh you didn’t tell me”, I was laughing and said “well, I’m telling you now, I thought I’d let you sleep”. I went for a shower and my emotions started to pour in. I was suddenly hit with so much love, excitement and sadness. Tears started flowing as I realised this would be the last time I would be pregnant. This would be the last time I would feel my baby from within. My husband came to check on me and asked if I was ok. I was so excited and said “I can’t believe today we will meet our baby”. I remember that moment feeling so special, full of so many emotions and so much love.

 

Our midwife arrived at 9.15am and I felt a bit silly, thinking I wasn’t in “active” labour and she was here already. I didn’t want to burden anyone if the time wasn’t right. Little did I know really how close we were to meeting our baby. At 9.30am my Doula arrived. Katie started massaging me to help me get relaxed and loosen up and my husband put on my birth playlist. I started to get into my “birthy zone”. Our midwife asked us did we want to get photos of me labouring, which we did and said we should probably call our photographer. Still during this moment, I thought I had plenty of time left labouring. I felt fine. I was having tightening’s but was still talking through them. We called my photographer at 10am and asked her to come over.

 

I could see my husband and midwife starting to fill up the birth pool and in my head, I remember thinking why are they doing that now? They’ll have to refill it with hot water by the time I’m actually ready to get in. I never said anything though, I just thought it was strange they were filing it up in that moment. Lauren, our photographer arrived at 10.20am and by this stage I could feel my tightening’s starting to get a bit more intense. I was still able to talk and welcomed Lauren in. Not long after our second midwife arrived. Our birth team was all in our home and it was happening! Lauren was setting up her camera when I was asked if I wanted to get into the birth pool. I remember thinking I had lots of time left and that I would be in the pool for ages if I got in now but I agreed to get in. I started walking to the pool and had a HUGE tightening, I waddled back to the kitchen bench and leant over and in that moment my waters released, everywhere all over the floor! I felt vulnerable and realised my baby was really coming!

 

With some help, I got undressed and slid into the pool. My body started to take over and began pushing itself with each tightening. I was so aware of everything going on in my body. I felt so powerful and yet shocked that my body was pushing by itself. I never got that opportunity with my first VBAC, as I was told to push, not realising my body would do it in its own time. I remember my doula sitting right in front of my face singing Tiny Dancer, which was playing at that time. It was so gorgeous and soothing. It really helped me stay focused and aware of everything. My husband’s touch and my doulas words of reassurance and encouragement made me feel so safe, strong and supported. I could feel my baby moving down and then back up again, allowing my body to slowly stretch open. I birthed our daughters head and when her little nose popped out she had meconium around it. We decided it was best to stand out of the water to birth the rest of her body as a safety precaution. With some help from my husband and Doula I stood up at the last minute and birthed my baby.

 

We welcomed Indi Sue at 10.49am and she was placed in my arms. I could not believe our baby was finally here. I was so happy, I just held my baby close to me and soaked up her goodness. After a little while my husband asked me what did we have. I opened our baby’s legs and couldn’t believe what I saw! After two sons, we now had our little girl. I started crying with tears of joy! It was so nice experiencing the surprise of not knowing our baby’s gender. We had found out with both our son’s and wanted this experience to be the surprise. Oh my, it sure was! I was just saying “It’s a girl! We’ve had a girl” over and over again! We were over the moon we had our little daughter. I had the most amazing birth experience, it ended up being everything I never knew I wanted! Out of that one negative appointment came so much joy! So much learning, so much growing, so much strength and determination. I am so happy with how everything went. My birth team were absolutely amazing. They were all so respectful, the environment was kept calm the entire time and I laboured and birthed how I wanted to. This was my 2VBAC and it was such an amazing experience! The obstacles I overcome during my pregnancy and the strength and determination I proved within myself still overwhelms me. I shouldn't of had to fight for the birth I wanted but I am so glad I did! I cannot thank my support team enough, for without them this experience would not have been. SUPPORT and the RIGHT support is everything during pregnancy and labour! I hope my story inspires and empowers you to always use your power. Remember, YOUR birth experience is what YOU make it!

 

Thank you for reading my birth story. I am a huge advocate for women's empowerment, especially during pregnancy and birth. I believe we all hold the power within, some of us just need the extra support to reignite our flame. That is where I can help you. It is my life's calling, my soul purpose to support you! I am here to guide you gently and lovingly through your own pregnancy and birth journey, so that you too can have an enjoyable, EMPOWERING experience!   

 

Much Love,

Kirra xo      

 

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A Change in Direction

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A Change in Direction

A Change in Direction

Hi there all you gorgeous ladies. It's been a while since I last blogged. (and yes, I am yet to finish my birth story and post….sorry, it will be published soon) It's been seven months since we welcomed our daughter into the world. That time has been a blissful bubble of pure love, devotion and a bit of crazy. Third time around and my parenting has changed so much to what it was five years ago as a first time mum. I have so much confidence, I am so much more relaxed and unfazed, I am very in tune with my mummy intuition and I easily recognise my daughter’s needs. This has made the newborn stage so enjoyable for me, and that time has gone by so quickly. I seriously cannot believe how quickly the time has gone! It still feels like yesterday I birthed her and she was a gorgeous new squishy babe ….. but here I am with a crawling, babbling, standing baby! IT IS CRAZY!

 

Anyhow, I am now back from maternity leave being Doula and taking on clients again, however the direction of my career has taken a new path. Let me explain …. Obviously having a baby myself now makes it difficult attending births at the moment, as we all know how unpredictable birth is. The focus of my work is now based on pre and postnatal care and birth preparation.

 

I know it can be hard building a connection and relationship with a midwife during antenatal appointments if you see a different person each time. I understand that can make you feel like a number in the system, making it difficult for you to open up and speak freely about your fears, anxieties and questions. Midwives are wonderful, however most times they are on time restrictions and are not given the time needed to build connection and fulfil your emotional needs.

 

I understand what it feels like to have a fear that seems so crippling it’s hard to enjoy any part of pregnancy. I understand what it feels like to have doubt and uncertainty but have no one to share those thoughts with, for fear of judgement or misunderstanding. I understand because I have been there, I have felt exactly how you are feeling and it is hard. This is where my role as a Doula comes in. I understand the importance of emotional support and how the right support can make a huge difference to your journey.

 

I am highly intuitive, very compassionate and remarkably empathetic and I am here to serve you! I am here to guide you slowly and gently through your pregnancy, supporting your emotional needs with the utter most care in ways that are right for you. I give you my ears that listen to you, my shoulders for you to cry on, my hands that hold you, my professionalism that trusts in you and my heart that empathises with you.

 

I am an emotional being and if you are one too, I would love to connect with you. Together let’s work through your fears, uncertainty and doubt and guide you to a more enjoyable and empowering experience.

 

YOU ARE STRENGTH, YOU ARE POWER, YOU ARE WOMAN!

 

 

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